It was a mistake, I nearly wrecked her relationship with her love.
That was the message that I received when I returned home yesterday. Painful, brief but not unexpected.
This was the girl of my dreams, I met her at work, had many weeks idolising her who to me was untouchable. Then just 3 days before she left we had a brief but amazing relationship. One night out lead to me kissing her, and her taking me home. We connected and I never felt the way I did when I was with her.
However she had a boyfriend back at home and I was never going to be able to make her stay. The thing was I could not get over her. Since she left I have been like the walking dead. I have thought about her every day and wished I could be with her.
When I read her message last night I felt my heart die. It is not possible to put my feelings into words. I know I am just waiting for the moment that I break down into tears. The thing is I am actually quite happy.
I know that she has made a decision that will hopefuly bring her happiness and with this has brought me final closure and now I have a chance of moving on. I will always miss her and there will always be a part of my heart devoted to her but how could I ever be mad at her for making a choice.
One simple thought can repeat over and over in your head. This one does in mine and makes me feel worse every time round.
I can’t remember the conversation or who it was with but I remember the place and the thought. I was in the kitchen at work and someone asked me to define love. Not the easiest thing to do but for some reason I answered without thinking “Its having something you cannot live without”.
At the time I was quite pleased with myself, being able to give a simple but conclusive answer to a minefield of a question, but hindsight brought an uneasy revelation. I have never experienced real love and I didn’t love my girlfriend.
Sure I’ve had girlfriends who I have believed and thought I was in love with but I don’t think I have ever had anyone I could not live without. Maybe this was not a definition of love but of “true love”.
Love is something I have always thought would come easy and is something I have always wanted in my life. Because of this I think I fall in love easily, but I guess I’m just kidding myself. To be with someone who feels for me how I feel for them, would never want to hurt me and, would never want to be without me is something I have always dreamt of.
I suppose I’ll have to live in hope that one day this will happen to me but until then, knowing me, I will probably continue to have rollercoaster relationships.
As for my current situation I think I am going to have to end it with my girlfriend around her I’m lonely but I still know ending things with her will be hard and she will take some time to get over.
Some people can turn up in your like and change you, others can reappear and knock you for 6. In my life there was, is, and probably always will be one who keeps turning up and affecting me. Her name is Jenni and she is a drug I never got out of my system.
We met in about 2001 and she was the girlfriend of one of my closest friends. She was sweet but a bit misterious. I can remember saying to her she was the best thing to happen to my friend, although I never thought of her in a sexual way until 2 years later.
It was near the end of my relationship with the firery redhead and she was no longer with my close friend but still remained friends with the group. I had one of my many proximity infatuations, something that tends to happen alot with me. We had become good friends and i knew my girlfriend thought of her as a threat.
When i had split up with my girlfriend Jenni remained close, helped me through my regrets and pain and let me get on with my rebounds. She didn’t want to be a rebound herself. I can remember going for drinks with her one week night and she asked me what i was going to do next. Not realising she had feelings for me i said “i think i want to be single for a while”. Shortly after that she went off to uni, although we chatted often on the phone.
A couple of weeks past and i had met the young blondeand things took off. I told Jenni during a telephone call that i had met someone and was really happy and then she made her excuses and hung up on me. I later found out she was devestated and sat on the stairs in her uni house in tears.
A few months past and we barely talked over the phone. I then found out she was not doing well at uni and was planning on leaving to come home. Not being filled in on the full story i just figured it was too hard for her, i always underestimated her. On her return I invited her over to watch a dvd and have a catch up.
The next morning i felt ashamed, i had tried it on with a good friend while i was seing someone else. Luckily she was a strong enough person not to have sex with me but we had still done things! I had that night found out that she had and still did like me and as i am a very imorral person i wanted whatever i could get.
In the end my girlfriend found out, i can’t remember how but she did like to read my messages quite often, and this lead to a huge row at a friends wedding – classy! I managed to weasle my way into pointing all the blame at Jenni and that was it, for a while.
About a year later i met up with her again, we sparked just like before and i thought to myself i will do the right thing this time. I split up with the blonde and started a relationship with Jenni. This lasted about 2 weeks!
The blonde did not want to let me go and seduced me not knowing i was already seing someone else. For about 2 weeks i had the two of them on the go until they figured it out. Like an absolute coward i went back to the blonde and once again hung Jenni out to dry.
Almost 2 years later and i met Jenni again at a mutual friend’s birthday. I was going out with the sweet girl and this time had no intention of fucking either of them over – but as i am not only imorral but clearly evil that is exactly what i did.
I went for a few drinks with her and we decided we had both grown up alot since last we met. I once again split up with my current girlfriend and started seing Jenni. Now at this time i can’t quite remember the order of the chain of events that took place but it goes something like this:
We were happy
I met a girl at work who was hot
I was fucking my ex
I kissed the girl from work
Jenni found out about the girl from work
Jenni told me she was pregnant
Jenni found out about the ex
God i hate myself for what i have done. I ruined too many peoples feelings and lives. It was a horrible time for me, i had so many different things on my plate at once and i coped quite well suprisingly.
This was one of the 3 biggest turning points in my life and definately made me stronger and more thoughtful. I had many arguements with Jenni mainly because of her meddling friends, but i can honestly say i did the right thing. I made it clear that dispite what had happened between me and her i would always be there for our child and even though we would not be together my child would always come first.
Unfortunately Jenni had a miscarriage, and i quite often think about how if things had been different……
Following that i was there for her and we did have one or two good times after that (including a funny sex mark on her parents wall) before making a break from one anothers lives. I have kept in vague contact with her but there will never be another chance for us, just the occasional meeting when we are out.
I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that no-one deserves happiness more than Jenni and the sweet girl i messed around. I wish them both amazing lives and am so sorry for all the pain i caused them both.
Having no idea how to start I thought I would start with an apology. I tend to apologise for everything just to have something to say so what better way for me to begin!
1 Sorry for my poor spelling, over use of ! and poor punctuation
2 Sorry for the dribble I intend to write, but knowing me will only ever write 2 maybe 3 posts
3 Most of all sorry for ever making anyone feel bad
Right that all done with i’ll start my dribble…….. i’m lonely! I live with my girlfriend in a house with another guy, i spend almost every hour of every day with people i know, some of them quite well, yet i feel more lonely with most of them as i do on my own.
The reason why i feel lonely i presume is because the people who i spend most of my time with bore me. There are select few people who i can actually spend time with and not feel bored off hand i can only think of 4 or 5 people. Unfortunately the girl i am with is not one of them. I do love my girlfriend but i don’t think i am “in love” with her anymore.
I can’t remember when it happened but i just think we are not heading in the same direction at the same time. When i was lovely to her she was distant, when i wanted her she would just turn me down. Now things are different, i am the distant one and she is the one who wants the sexual attention. There was i time i would do anything for her and now as i become more absent from our relationship i am thinking of how to end things.
The complicating part is there is someone who i would give up everything for but it is just impossible.
The first time i saw this girl i thought she was the most beautiful person i had ever seen. I presumed she would be the typical person who knew it and would be snobby, i could not be more wrong. It took me a couple of weeks before i got to speak to her in passing and a couple of months before i had any kind of conversation. We worked for the same company so i saw her almost every day as we walked past each other.
As i got to talk to her she seemed like a genuine kind and gentle person. I can remember not being able to think of anything to say to her i was so shy. We chatted awkwardly about the usual things you say to someone from another country, why was she here, where did she live, what did she do in her spare time.
Within a few weeks i think the whole company knew i liked her but i could not ask her out, 1 i had a girlfriend, 2 she had a boyfriend, but more importantly 3 she was way above my league and i do not have the courage to ask someone so beautiful out. I did bump into her out one evening when i was with some friends – a very embarrasing event – but barely said anything of interest to her.
One day when she was working in my department after 8 hours of working directly with her i managed to pluck up the courage (although i was so nervous i was sweating) to give her my number saying “if you fancy going for a drink when i come back from holiday send me a text”. To my suprise she did text me.
After failing at first to make plans to meet up we managed to meet at a work nights out, not quite what i had in mind. To cut a long story short it was the best night of my life and the next morning i was trying hard to stop her from leaving her bed to go to work. The next couple of days we spent each evening together after she finished work. It just felt to me like as people we completely connected. She said she really liked me and felt like we had know each other for a year not just a couple of days. When i was with her it felt amazing.
Under any normal circumstance this should have all ended well but i guess i’m not that lucky. The real kicker is that the couple of days we spent together were her last in the country, she was leaving…….for good. I would have gladly left everything behind and gone with her if she had asked but she had a boyfriend and as i found out later was living with him.
We have had the odd opportunity to chat on facebook and she tells me she misses me and that she has never felt the way she did when i looked into her eyes and talked to her the way i did, but that does not change how things stand. She is with him and i wish she was with me or i was with her.
But i suppose i have to sort out my current relationship either way, but i guess you’ll find out later about my difficulties there!
Holding on to what I haven't got 