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“It’s a long story” She said as she tried to explain why i had not heard from her in over a week.

So since my last post i have made semi progress with my life! I finally finished with my girlfriend but as usual because i found someone else i liked.

She is so easy to get on with, kind, funny, with a very sexy body and a hot-cute face. Just what i needed. Unfortunately it did not last. I work with her and she had a 3 week holiday booked to go back to South Africa where she was raised.

Before she left i said i was worried about her not wanting to come back but she laughed it off and actually said she was having second thoughts about going as she didn’t want to be away from me. However after an initial text saying she got there and one or two Facebook messages, nothing. No reply to my messages and no texts.

In the end i posted “Miss you and cant wait to see your amazing tan xxx” on her Facebook wall only to find it deleted the following day.

I managed to catch up with her and she surprisingly said that she realised how much she misses South Africa and plans to come home only to get money to move back out there leaving no room for me in her life. Fuck! I know it was only early in our relationship but i really liked her and thought she was the perfect kind of person for me.

I understand her wanting to move away from this country, i understand how chatting to me would have made things more complicated in her mind, but what i don’t understand is why she deleted my post on her wall? I guess she has not told me the whole truth and she has been seeing someone else.

I suppose i need to wait till she comes home and find out the painful truth. I hate my life. I just want someone who i like to love me and things be easy for once.

It was a mistake, I nearly wrecked her relationship with her love.

That was the message that I received when I returned home yesterday. Painful, brief but not unexpected.

This was the girl of my dreams, I met her at work, had many weeks idolising her who to me was untouchable. Then just 3 days before she left we had a brief but amazing relationship. One night out lead to me kissing her, and her taking me home. We connected and I never felt the way I did when I was with her.

However she had a boyfriend back at home and I was never going to be able to make her stay. The thing was I could not get over her. Since she left I have been like the walking dead. I have thought about her every day and wished I could be with her.

When I read her message last night I felt my heart die. It is not possible to put my feelings into words. I know I am just waiting for the moment that I break down into tears. The thing is I am actually quite happy.

I know that she has made a decision that will hopefuly bring her happiness and with this has brought me final closure and now I have a chance of moving on. I will always miss her and there will always be a part of my heart devoted to her but how could I ever be mad at her for making a choice.

One simple thought can repeat over and over in your head. This one does in mine and makes me feel worse every time round.

 I can’t remember the conversation or who it was with but I remember the place and the thought. I was in the kitchen at work and someone asked me to define love. Not the easiest thing to do but for some reason I answered without thinking “Its having something you cannot live without”.

At the time I was quite pleased with myself, being able to give a simple but conclusive answer to a minefield of a question, but hindsight brought an uneasy revelation. I have never experienced real love and I didn’t love my girlfriend.

Sure I’ve had girlfriends who I have believed and thought I was in love with but I don’t think I have ever had anyone I could not live without. Maybe this was not a definition of love but of “true love”.

Love is something I have always thought would come easy and is something I have always wanted in my life. Because of this I think I fall in love easily, but I guess I’m just kidding myself. To be with someone who feels for me how I feel for them, would never want to hurt me and, would never want to be without me is something I have always dreamt of.

I suppose I’ll have to live in hope that one day this will happen to me but until then, knowing me, I will probably continue to have rollercoaster relationships.

As for my current situation I think I am going to have to end it with my girlfriend around her I’m lonely but I still know ending things with her will be hard and she will take some time to get over.

What’s the difference between having two sides and having a split personality?

For as long I can remember I have had two distinct personalities with no idea of which one will come out. That sounds worse than I meant it to! I suppose most people have two sides to them but I just think it affects me more than most.

The one side which is more present is very shy, calm and distant. I find it hard to make really important decision, come to think of it any decision. I think most people like me this way, I try so hard to get people to like me and find it very hard to be strict or cruel to people. The problem with this side of me is that I seem to be unable to make any changes to my life or tell people what I really think and feel (except with a few people).

Being the other side is definitely more fun. I can make decision, be more confident and be more honest. I can confront people and be more forceful of what I want. I tend to be this person when I’m angry, drunk or horny but not just then.  In fact most of the time I’m drinking I’m still the first person and it really depends upon the circumstance.

If I am uncomfortable I will always be the first person, it takes me to be really comfortable with the people I am around and the place I am in for me to become the dark side. I guess it is better that way than the other way round. If I am angry I can switch but as I have a long fuse so it doesn’t happen often.

The problem is the other side gets me into trouble. I tend to be flirtier as I’m more confident, I care less about the consequences of my actions and I am more selfish. I think of it as being my dark side!

People who see me often tend to see both sides but some people know only the soft kind me or think I am a moody person. Sometimes I wish I could show the “bad boy” side to some people (especially those I want to chat up) but I can’t seem to do it to request.

I guess each side needs the other but who could truly accept or trust someone when they have an uncontrollable major personality flaw?

Some people can turn up in your like and change you, others can reappear and knock you for 6. In my life there was, is, and probably always will be one who keeps turning up and affecting me. Her name is Jenni and she is a drug I never got out of my system.

We met in about 2001 and she was the girlfriend of one of my closest friends. She was sweet but a bit misterious. I can remember saying to her she was the best thing to happen to my friend, although I never thought of her in a sexual way until 2 years later.

It was near the end of my relationship with the firery redhead and she was no longer with my close friend but still remained friends with the group. I had one of my many proximity infatuations, something that tends to happen alot with me. We had become good friends and i knew my girlfriend thought of her as a threat.

When i had split up with my girlfriend Jenni remained close, helped me through my regrets and pain and let me get on with my rebounds. She didn’t want to be a rebound herself. I can remember going for drinks with her one week night and she asked me what i was going to do next. Not realising she had feelings for me i said “i think i want to be single for a while”. Shortly after that she went off to uni, although we chatted often on the phone.

A couple of weeks past and i had met the young blondeand things took off. I told Jenni during a telephone call that i had met someone and was really happy and then she made her excuses and hung up on me. I later found out she was devestated and sat on the stairs in her uni house in tears.

A few months past and we barely talked over the phone. I then found out she was not doing well at uni and was planning on leaving to come home. Not being filled in on the full story i just figured it was too hard for her, i always underestimated her. On her return I invited her over to watch a dvd and have a catch up.

The next morning i felt ashamed, i had tried it on with a good friend while i was seing someone else. Luckily she was a strong enough person not to have sex with me but we had still done things! I had that night found out that she had and still did like me and as i am a very imorral person i wanted whatever i could get.

In the end my girlfriend found out, i can’t remember how but she did like to read my messages quite often, and this lead to a huge row at a friends wedding – classy! I managed to weasle my way into pointing all the blame at Jenni and that was it, for a while.

About a year later i met up with her again, we sparked just like before and i thought to myself i will do the right thing this time. I split up with the blonde and started a relationship with Jenni. This lasted about 2 weeks!

The blonde did not want to let me go and seduced me not knowing i was already seing someone else. For about 2 weeks i had the two of them on the go until they figured it out. Like an absolute coward i went back to the blonde and once again hung Jenni out to dry.

 Almost 2 years later and i met Jenni again at a mutual friend’s birthday. I was going out with the sweet girl and this time had no intention of fucking either of them over – but as i am not only imorral but clearly evil that is exactly what i did.

I went for a few drinks with her and we decided we had both grown up alot since last we met. I once again split up with my current girlfriend and started seing Jenni. Now at this time i can’t quite remember the order of the chain of events that took place but it goes something like this:

  1. We were happy
  2. I met a girl at work who was hot
  3. I was fucking my ex
  4. I kissed the girl from work
  5. Jenni found out about the girl from work
  6. Jenni told me she was pregnant
  7. Jenni found out about the ex

God i hate myself for what i have done. I ruined too many peoples feelings and lives. It was a horrible time for me, i had so many different things on my plate at once and i coped quite well suprisingly.

This was one of the 3 biggest turning points in my life and definately made me stronger and more thoughtful. I had many arguements with Jenni mainly because of her meddling friends, but i can honestly say i did the right thing. I made it clear that dispite what had happened between me and her i would always be there for our child and even though we would not be together my child would always come first.

Unfortunately Jenni had a miscarriage, and i quite often think about how if things had been different……

Following that i was there for her and we did have one or two good times after that (including a funny sex mark on her parents wall) before making a break from one anothers lives. I have kept in vague contact with her but there will never be another chance for us, just the occasional meeting when we are out.

I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that no-one deserves happiness more than Jenni and the sweet girl i messed around. I wish them both amazing lives and am so sorry for all the pain i caused them both.

I’ve never really been single. Since the age of 17 i have gone from girlfriend to girlfriend with little or no gap between them. Funny for a guy who has never been confident and never had any attention from girls till 17.

I have always found it near impossible to chat to people in clubs or bars, almost all of my relationships have been with people from work. It is always easier to chat to someone or ask them out when you already know them and even then most of the time it has been them who has made the first move.

My first girlfriend i met at a party, she was a friend of one of my best friend’s girlfriend. Me and another mate liked her and we spent hours talking to a group of them. It was one of the only times i can remember that i (with the help of my friend) held the attention of others and was the centre of the evening.

I got her number through my friend’s girl and things progressed from there. In the end we were together (on and off) for almost 3 years, and she was a freak in bed! It all ended when i met this woman from work.

The relationship with my first was stale, nothing but sex and arguments. After work i went often to the pub and most of the time this one woman would come with, sometimes it was just me and her. She was fire, her hair was red and she had the strong personality to match. I never even thought she liked me, especially as she was 6 years older than me and engaged.

After a drinking session in the pub one night she went to walk home and as my mother brought me up correctly i offered to walk her back. Half way home she needed to stop and sitdown to have a cigarette, or so she said. She grabbed me and we ended up kissing. She then split up with her fiancee and we ended up having a 3 year relationship living together for nearly 2 of those. I ended it with her after realising i did not feel strongly enough and was not mature enough to be in the relationship she wanted. This i deeply regretted and it took a long time for me to get over her.

During this time i had 2 meaningless flings with girls who wanted more from me than i wanted to give. This lasted about a month untill i met a very young girl from work. She was 17, me 23 she was thin, blonde, and the shy type of sexy. Again she had a boyfriend but he lived far up north and was an idiot!

We got things on quickly but again it was her who told me she was interested in me. Everything was good until she started drinking. I blame myself for this because she had no problem before. Basically at a friend wedding i bumped into the ex (the red head) who said she still loved me but was seing another guy. Still being caught up with her i texted her to no avail to try to get back with her, unfortunately my new girl read my messages. We had a few fights and many tearful conversations but decided to stay together and give it a go. Only problem was when she drank things held inside her would come out. There was also the saga with Jenni (the only girl i will name) but she deserves her own post, so stay tuned!

It ended because i could no longer stand the drinking, she would completely change and i would no longer cope with being her punch bag, emotionly and sometimes physicaly. Being single lasted 3 weeks!

I met this new one through a mutual ‘friend’, to be honest i didn’t really like this friend but she was a socialite and i needed to get out!! She was uncomplicated, sweet, caring and best of all dirty as hell in bed. Sometimes she seemed too eager to please as if she was a personality metamorph – sycophantic without being obvious.

We had a great time together and it all ended on relatively good terms as she is too caring and kind to be able to hold a grudge. If it was anyone else she would have hated me as i feel like i walked all over her when i look back at how selfish i was in that relationship. That apart from the still (at this time) on-going Jenni saga brings me to my current girlfriend. - She will have her own post at some time.

One of my friends describes me as a relationship monkey, swinging from branch to branch. I would just say i have a love for women and a fear of being without someone who loves me. One day i will ist what i believe to be my character flaws in terms of relationships. But i think that when i do i will never be able to look into a mirror again.

Having no idea how to start I thought I would start with an apology. I tend to apologise for everything just to have something to say so what better way for me to begin!

1 Sorry for my poor spelling, over use of ! and poor punctuation

2 Sorry for the dribble I intend to write, but knowing me will only ever write 2 maybe 3 posts

3 Most of all sorry for ever making anyone feel bad

Right that all done with i’ll start my dribble…….. i’m lonely! I live with my girlfriend in a house with another guy, i spend almost every hour of every day with people i know, some of them quite well, yet i feel more lonely with most of them as i do on my own.

The reason why i feel lonely i presume is because the people who i spend most of my time with bore me. There are select few people who i can actually spend time with and not feel bored off hand i can only think of 4 or 5 people. Unfortunately the girl i am with is not one of them. I do love my girlfriend but i don’t think i am “in love” with her anymore.

I can’t remember when it happened but i just think we are not heading in the same direction at the same time. When i was lovely to her she was distant, when i wanted her she would just turn me down. Now things are different, i am the distant one and she is the one who wants the sexual attention. There was i time i would do anything for her and now as i become more absent from our relationship i am thinking of how to end things.

The complicating part is there is someone who i would give up everything for but it is just impossible.

The first time i saw this girl i thought she was the most beautiful person i had ever seen. I presumed she would be the typical person who knew it and would be snobby, i could not be more wrong. It took me a couple of weeks before i got to speak to her in passing and a couple of months before i had any kind of conversation. We worked for the same company so i saw her almost every day as we walked past each other.

As i got to talk to her she seemed like a genuine kind and gentle person. I can remember not being able to think of anything to say to her i was so shy. We chatted awkwardly about the usual things you say to someone from another country, why was she here, where did she live, what did she do in her spare time.

Within a few weeks i think the whole company knew i liked her but i could not ask her out, 1 i had a girlfriend, 2 she had a boyfriend, but more importantly 3 she was way above my league and i do not have the courage to ask someone so beautiful out. I did bump into her out one evening when i was with some friends – a very embarrasing event – but barely said anything of interest to her.

One day when she was working in my department after 8 hours of working directly with her i managed to pluck up the courage (although i was so nervous i was sweating) to give her my number saying “if you fancy going for a drink when i come back from holiday send me a text”. To my suprise she did text me.

After failing at first to make plans to meet up we managed to meet at a work nights out, not quite what i had in mind. To cut a long story short it was the best night of my life and the next morning i was trying hard to stop her from leaving her bed to go to work. The next couple of days we spent each evening together after she finished work. It just felt to me like as people we completely connected. She said she really liked me and felt like we had know each other for a year not just a couple of days. When i was with her it felt amazing.

Under any normal circumstance this should have all ended well but i guess i’m not that lucky. The real kicker is that the couple of days we spent together were her last in the country, she was leaving…….for good. I would have gladly left everything behind and gone with her if she had asked but she had a boyfriend and as i found out later was living with him.

We have had the odd opportunity to chat on facebook and she tells me she misses me and that she has never felt the way she did when i looked into her eyes and talked to her the way i did, but that does not change how things stand. She is with him and i wish she was with me or i was with her.

But i suppose i have to sort out my current relationship either way, but i guess you’ll find out later about my difficulties there!

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